Have you ever heard of the term ‘gaslighting’? Although it was a relatively unfamiliar term in the past, it has become so common these days that it has turned from a concept seen in movies or dramas into a real-life occurrence. We’ve looked into how to identify if you’re being gaslighted and how to escape from it.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is an act of subtly manipulating someone’s psychology or situation to make them doubt themselves, gaining control over them. It often occurs in close or intimate relationships, such as families, schools, or lovers, and is more likely to occur when someone is trying to control and oppress others with asymmetric power rather than horizontal power.
Where did the term originate?
Gaslighting’ originated from the movie ‘Gaslight.’ In the film, the husband deliberately keeps the house dark, creating confusion for his wife. This leads the wife to doubt herself, and her dependence on her husband increases. The protagonist, the husband, marries the wife to manipulate her psyche, intending to exploit her assets. The term, ‘gaslighting effect,’ was coined by American psychotherapists, inspired by this work.
Gaslighting that makes you doubt yourself
The perpetrator of gaslighting consistently denies the victim’s memory or exaggerates the victim’s mistakes to make the victim doubt themselves. They also belittle the victim’s demands or emotions and continuously pretend to forget or deny things that actually happened. Gaslighting occurs when trying to control and oppress in many parts, and the victim becomes accustomed to the perpetrator’s words and gradually agrees with the perpetrator’s thoughts.
Desire for control and power
Perpetrators usually use gaslighting to gain power and maintain control. The perpetrator of gaslighting causes the victim to lose self-esteem and judgment ability, and in this process, the socially isolated and mentally weakened victim becomes more dependent on the perpetrator. Especially, since the perpetrator gaslights under the pretext of doing it for the victim, most victims do not realize that they are being gaslighted.
Characteristics of Perpetrators VS Victims
‘Gaslighters’, who carry out gaslighting, have strong beliefs in themselves, are self-centered, and have no interest in others’ feelings. They also have a strong narcissistic tendency and rationalize their aggressiveness. On the other hand, those who are gaslighted have very low self-esteem, easily trust others, and have a strong dependent tendency. They often avoid solving problems themselves and their life goals or beliefs are not clear.
They constantly lie, criticize, and blame
Gaslighters habitually lie and even if their lies are caught, they don’t blink an eye and deny it. They use it as an opportunity to counterattack and push the other person as the weird one. They also constantly point out the other person’s appearance, tone, behavior, etc., eroding their self-esteem to make the other person’s mind exhausted.
Maintain Calmness
If you’re being gaslighted, it’s best to distinguish between distortion and truth and avoid it if the conversation with the other person is a push-pull type. Dealing with it yourself is most important and building self-esteem is the most important part. Also, once you realize yourself as a victim of gaslighting, you can escape from gaslighting at any time.
What if a lover has gaslighted you?
Gaslighting between lovers is a subtle psychological manipulation or emotional abuse used by one partner in a very intimate relationship to exercise power over the other, gain control, and inflict emotional damage. If you’ve been gaslighted, it’s important to immediately recognize it and communicate your boundaries to your partner or spouse. Rather than engaging in heated debates, calmly point out discrepancies and provide evidence to refute the other’s claims. The key is not to give the emotional response the other person wants.
Get help from a professional
If gaslighting continues to affect mental health, it can be helpful to receive treatment from a professional. A counselor, therapist, or mental health professional will provide an objective view and provide guidance and help to process emotions.
Gaslighting Self-Diagnosis Test
How can you tell if you’re being gaslighted right now?
- If you’re always conscious of the other person or hesitate before speaking
- If you think you’re useless and often apologize even if you haven’t done anything wrong
- Lack of confidence
- If you often think you’re sensitive
- If you’ve ever hidden because you don’t want to apologize to the other person
- If you feel depressed after meeting the other person
This is when you need to consider the possibility of being a victim of gaslighting.
By. Sin Young Jeon
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